Anonymous – Santa’s visit to Gloriavale

Bad news everybody. For those of you who don’t know this is yet, I’d advise you to sit down. And to those who were close to the parties involved I send my heartfelt sympathy.

Although the details are a little sketchy coming out of Gloriavale, it would seem that when Santa tried to visit GV last night he was stopped by the night watch men. In the past when Santa goes in there, he does it covertly; but all through this year he has been hearing phrases like “things are getting better”, “the leaders are open to changing”, and “we listen to other people now”. This lulled him into a sense of security where he felt he would be able to enter the property by the main road instead of the aerial route he normally uses to avoid detection.

Because phone reception is so bad the only contact he has had with the outside world is one text sent at 2:12 this morning sent to Mrs Claus reading, “Just going to go in for a quick men’s meeting, I may be a little late for breakfast cuz I’ll be finishing up the morning rounds.” He has not been heard from since. However, sources inside the Community have informed us that after a six hour men’s meeting he has decided to join Gloriavale.

At the breakfast table this morning he came in dressed in a blue uniform, with his beard shaved off and sporting a GV approved haircut. After being introduced, he stood up and started that he… “wanted to live here (GV) the rest of his life…” and “… I will never leave unless the leaders tell me to…” He then apologised “…for spreading false stories about Christ’s birth…” and stated that “…I have now come to the realisation that I do not exist…” He finished off by announcing that he will be changing his name to “Willingly Browbeaten”.

Our apologies and condolences to anybody who missed out on Christmas this year as a result of these disturbing happenings, and our thoughts are with Mrs Claus at this time.

PS. The sled has already been broken up for firewood, and the presents evenly distributed amongst the families in GV. However the reindeer were donated to Wilderness Quest and will be shot by rich Americans for their trophy heads.

Peace.

(This is an anonymous post from an ex-Gloriavale person, Dec 2021 )