Should victims just keep quiet and move on?

I lived with the effects of the abuse every day in Gloriavale. It wasn’t something I just realised when I walked away from the community. But it was only something I could verbalise once I had walked away.

People inside Gloriavale might say, “Oh these things only came out because they left and people talked to them and that’s where they got all these ideas.” That’s not true. I dealt with the effects every day. I kept it hidden because no one wanted to hear about it. They just wanted me to move on. Move on where? Into another dark spot in my brain?

How are people inside Gloriavale thinking it’s going to stop if it’s not dealt with? If the issue is not faced honestly and dealt with, how will they stop the chain? There has to be a break in the chain.

Gloriavale has to bear the weight of this on their shoulders because they let it go on. The only reason it’s so huge now, is because they let it go on for decades. They should have dealt with this 30 – 40 years ago. It’s now the elephant in the room.

This is Gloriavale’s issue. If you don’t clean your house for 30 years it’s going to be a vile pigsty. It’s not something happening to them from the outside.

This is not everyone else’s issue. This is Gloriavale’s issue because they never cleaned house.

I think it will be painful for the young girls. But do they want this happening to their kids and grandkids?

Who will be honest?

The victims are still being shamed and blamed inside Gloriavale. That’s what painful about them sharing their abuse. They are scared about how they are going to be viewed and treated if they talk about it. That’s what brings them the most pain.

Are people happy for victims to lock this stuff up in their hearts and have a false smile on their face? Are they happy that people are lying to themselves and others around them, just to keep the image of the utopia. What’s more important?

It’s more important to care about people and their journey and what they need to process.

When you have a sickness that festers for 20 years and then you have an operation, how long would it take to come right? The healing process takes time. Emotional pain doesn’t go away when you open up about it. The injury may take seconds, but the healing can take years.

You might want people to move on, but that’s up to the victims. You don’t get to stipulate how fast they move on.

The fastest way you can help them to move on is if they feel loved and supported and not threatened by your opinions. Not to sit in a room and listen to them minimising what happened, and victim blame. These girls have to hear every day that this was their fault because they didn’t do the right thing, or they weren’t in the right place, or they didn’t say no. This is because of what they have heard their whole lives.

These poor girls are beating themselves up as well as the people who are blaming them – by a look or something they heard. It inflicts more damage on the wound and it takes more time to heal.

And it’s very painful for a victim to talk about their abuse because they are reliving it. They might need to talk about it for months. They need to express it without being triggered. Once they can speak about it and not be triggered, then they are starting to heal. That can take a long time.

The abuse might be inconsequential and small to other, but it’s often the psychological damage inflicted afterwards inside Gloriavale that has done the damage.

You have to live with the abuser’s family etc. Comments said by relations can be harmful and hurtful.  That’s happening every day in Gloriavale. They cannot get away from it. They inflict this pain on themselves because Gloriavale’s culture is structured around what people think about you.

Don’t downplay the effects of their social life – where everyone knows everything about you. Inside Gloriavale, your whole life is a platform where people are commenting on you. They have opinions. This is probably the next most harmful thing after the abuse is all the opinions people inside Gloriavale want to share about you and your character and your lack and why this happened to you.

All these girls think like that, because they have heard it said publically and privately, and they have even talked about other people like that. Because that’s what you do in that society. You pull others down to raise yourself – or to deflect some of the shocks coming your way.

They play it down because if they were honest they would pack their bags and walk away.

They have to tell themselves lies to stay in a place they are familiar with.

They live in an illusion.

People have to be honest, for this to change.

Speaking of the truth, not the packaged up lies.

Living with the truth, not ducking and diving around it, because it upsets our image.

Truth is the only way to change, bring healing, forgive the past and preserve the future.